The Crucible

I love Ann Voskamp. She is so full of grace (she even stooped to do a guest post here on my blog) it is like water on parched ground.

Today when she shared about agoraphobia, I knew I needed to share something on my blog. Not for anyone else perhaps, but for me.

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder that leads to avoiding spaces or situations associated with anxiety.

I have had an agoraphobia of the soul. All of my life, I have been terrified of being placed in situations where the emotional or relational demands are more than I can handle. Where there is no escape.

It began so young that for many, many years I didn't even recognize it.

But it's fruits were there: "intimacy disorder."

I learned coping mechanisms: performance was the main one. The applause and confirmation that I received from the church culture did nothing to expose the lie.

I never questioned there might be something different, better; or that I might be in bondage to a deep, deep fear.

Then, two and a half years ago, God brought a little girl into our home through adoption. My fear and it's fruit were exposed and busted wide open.

It wasn't pretty. Crucibles never are.

In His providence, God also had us overseas, away from family, friends, culture, etc. and I had no props or back up plans. I had to deal with the root issue.

To add to it, He gave us 3 children in 23 months.

Talk about intensity. He just wasn't going to let me off the hook any longer.

I'm not even sure what else to say about this except to say that I am learning a whole new way of living. It has been going on for some time; I am getting better at throwing myself fully into relationship with Jesus...not into service to Him or performance for Him.

Relationship. Connection. Abiding.

And letting Him "do" it. Letting Him bring forth my righteousness as the noonday sun. Letting Him produce His fruit in me.

For so long, I tried to by-pass the surrendered-heart relationship (the abiding) and jump straight to the fruit and good produce, simply because I was terrified of what relationship would mean.

Even more terrified that He would say I was unsuitable for relationship, that performance and duty and service was all I was good for.

The truth sets free.

I am bawling even now to think that He does not see me as unworthy of relationship. This lie was a message I received very young and very dramatically and everything in my life growing up confirmed it.

This is why I blog (tentatively so!) at Adding Zest. One of the results of my fear was that I withheld myself from John, not necessarily physically, but as a whole person.

Jesus prompts me to share what I have and am learning about letting relationship restore.

It is certainly not fancy. Not persuasive. Maybe not even helpful for anyone else. But it is my dance before Jesus. A dance of freedom. A tangible way I leave the seat of performance, duty and service; rise to my feet, and take the hand of Jesus as He invites me to relationship.

"The Spirit and the Bride say "COME." Revelation 22:17

And so I invite you to come. If you relate to anything I've said, may I invite you to come? I am doing a series on Sexual Freedom at Adding Zest and preparing a Bible study for overcoming victimization.

Care to join us in this beautiful, sacred dance? Learn with us how to let relationship restore.

The Crucible

http://momsministryandmore.blogspot.com/2010/09/crucible.html